Are You the Target of Gaslighting?
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment. This often leads to confusion, loss of confidence, and dependency on the perpetrator.
I experienced gaslighting while being married to a narcissist. My ex always encouraged co-dependency and trauma bonds as the basis for our relationship. omg… all the red flags were there indicating that I was married to a narcissist, it’s just that when the abuser continuously wears you down with their rages and makes you feel that you are never good enough, it takes a toll on you. It certainly wrecked havoc on me – after twenty years being married to him, I was loaded with self-doubt, and I did not understand why I was so distressed whenever I was around him. The lightbulb came on when he went out of town for a few days and I was hanging out with some friends. They noticed a difference in me – they asked me why I suddenly seemed calm and not stressed. Aha moment! I told them that he was out of town and I didn’t have to walk on eggshells for a few days and I was so happy about that! Sooooooo… I began researching narcissistic abuse and came to learn that my ex truly exhibits the personality traits of a malignant narcissist. I filed for divorce, which ended up requiring two years of negotiation and delays by my ex because he fought me the whole way. I learned so much about myself during that time. And, I’m healing from the abusive experience.
Removing yourself from someone who is gaslighting you gives you the freedom to regain your confidence, heighten your self-esteem, stop questioning your thoughts and decisions, and realize that your memories are correct. You’re not crazy like the narcissist has been trying to convince you that you are.
Origins of the Term
The term "gaslighting" originates from the 1938 play "Gas Light," and its subsequent film adaptations in the 1940s. In the story, a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is going insane by dimming the gaslights in their home and denying that the lighting is changing, among other deceptive tactics.
Common Techniques of Gaslighting
· Denial: The perpetrator insists that certain events or behaviors did not happen, despite evidence to the contrary.
· Trivialization: The manipulator belittles the victim's feelings or experiences, making them seem unimportant or exaggerated.
· Withholding: Refusing to engage in meaningful conversations or provide necessary information, leading the victim to feel isolated and confused.
· Countering: The manipulator questions the victim's memory or account of events, suggesting that they are mistaken or have misremembered.
· Diverting: Changing the subject or questioning the victim's thoughts to prevent them from focusing on the manipulator's behavior.
Effects of Gaslighting
Victims of gaslighting often experience a range of psychological and emotional effects, including:
· Anxiety and depression
· Low self-esteem
· Increased dependency on the manipulator
· Difficulty making decisions
· Confusion and disorientation
Recognizing and Responding to Gaslighting
It can be challenging to recognize gaslighting, especially when it occurs in close relationships. However, some signs include frequent feelings of doubt, constantly apologizing, and sensing that something is wrong but being unable to pinpoint what it is. If you suspect you are being gaslighted, it is essential to seek support from trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional. Setting boundaries and documenting interactions can also help regain control and perspective.
Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional abuse that undermines a person's sense of reality and self-worth. Understanding its mechanisms and effects is the first step towards recognizing and combating this harmful behavior. I someone in your life gaslighting you?