Be the StrawMan in Your Toxic Relationship

What do I mean by that?  The person who hurts narcissists the most is someone who knows how to reclaim their power, often through a simple technique known as "strawmanning."

Strawmanning is a psychological defense mechanism that can be particularly effective in managing a relationship with a narcissist. In such relationships, the narcissist often seeks to manipulate and control, making it challenging to maintain one's emotional well-being. By creating a strawman—a false version of oneself that engages superficially with the narcissist—one can protect their true self from the narcissist's tactics.

This strategy involves presenting a façade that appears to engage and even agree with the narcissist, thereby deflecting their attention and vitriol away from the authentic self. The strawman version nods, smiles, and provides just enough feedback to keep the narcissist satisfied, while the real self remains hidden and untouched. This allows the individual to pursue their own goals and maintain their peace of mind, effectively gaslighting the narcissist into believing they have won, when in reality, they have not even participated in the battle.

Narcissists feed off their Pathological Grandiose Self, usually by harming someone emotionally. They depend on reactions— even anger, sadness, or fear- in order to feel empowered. So, what if you could provide them all the reactions they need... without actually caring?

That's where strawmanning comes into play. You create a fake version of yourself that feigns concern about what the narcissist has to say or do. The narcissist, none the wiser, attacks your fake self while you, the real version of yourself, are busy living your absolute best life. You nod your head, agree, and offer just enough to assure them you are involved, but your true self remains utterly unreachable.

The great thing about this method is that both of you feel like you have won. The narcissist thinks they’re getting under your skin; however, you’re, in fact, free to pursue your goals and peace while thinking they are causing you harm. In essence, you are gaslighting them into thinking they beat you while you walk away unscathed.

For some, especially someone who is naturally adaptable in their environment, this feels like instinct. If the narcissist thinks they know every one of your weaknesses, change the game. Become someone new, change your habits/responses, and watch the narcissist flounder to keep up.  Build the boundaries.  Keep up the façade.  Grey rock the convos.  You’re the ultimate strawman while navigating the relationship toxicity. Protect your peace.